She Did It Because Of Me
by Stessa
Summary: Series 5. What could have happened if Rachel had taken the news of Ross not being allowed to see her anymore, too seriously? My little version of that conflict! And my first fic, so be nice!


_Hi everyone. Uhm, I've decided to go through my old stories to catch as many as my mistakes that's possible, it's the work of someone who's bored and have no life. There's nothing new to this story, but I'll try to correct as many gramma mistakes as possible. So, if you feel like reading it again, please do ;p_

_**Disclaimer: **They're not mine, not even close. _

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**She Did it Because of Me **

Monica walked into the apartment that she shared with Rachel. She just heard that Ross had talked to Rachel about not seeing each other anymore. She wanted to check up on her best friend. Monica was worried. Phoebe had hold her back in the coffee house, she told her that she felt something was wrong with one of their friends, and as Chandler, Joey and Ross were at the coffee house too, Monica decided to go find Rachel.

She prayed with all her heart that Phoebe was wrong. She flipped on the light. Rachel was nowhere to be found. Even though her purse was thrown lazily, the way Monica always hated it, at the kitchen table. Normally she would go put it into Rachel's room, but she just placed her coat next to it, and went to see if Rachel was somewhere.

Her bedroom door was closed, so Monica knocked at it. No answer. She slowly opened it, but Rachel wasn't there. Her coat and shoes were lying at the floor, and her make-up table was messed up. Some of her bottles with perfume was standing at the floor, and Monica found that very un-Rachel. Monica looked at the bed. Rachel used to be so careful with her make-up, but it seemed like she had needed something behind all that in the desk, and had just thrown it on the bed. Monica started to get really worried. It didn't seem like Rachel to do something like that. She walked into the living room again and found the bathroom door closed, she figured that Rachel might be in there.

"Rach?" she tried.

Still no answer. Monica pressed the doorknob down, but the door was locked. Rachel HAD to be in there, then.

"Rachel?" Monica's voice was worried, she didn't like this, she didn't like this at all.

She kneeled down and tried to look into the peephole, but she couldn't see what was inside. It was too blurry.

"I'm gonna call the guys." Monica said out loud. She didn't know why she said it like that, maybe to calm herself or something. Why would Rachel lock the door, and then not answer? Or maybe the door had locked itself again, it had happened before. Monica hoped that that was the problem. She dialled Ross cell phone.

"Yes?" she heard his voice and got calmer by the minute.

"I cant find Rachel." Monica whispered, "And the bathroom door is locked, I'm afraid she might be in there. Will you please come help me?"

"We're all coming right away, Mon."

Monica hung up the phone, Ross sounded worried.

She called through the door again, no answer. What the hell was up with Rachel? Monica knew she was going through a hard time, with the whole Ross-not-aloud-to-see-her-thing, but that didn't give her the right to not answer her best friend.

Right then, the guys came through the door.

"What's the problem?" Phoebe asked.

"The bathroom door is locked, I cant get in there. I don't know if she is."

"Doesn't she answer?" Chandler asked, trying the break down the door.

"No, that's why I'm not sure if she's in there."

"Can we get it open?" Joey asked, "Maybe we should call Treager?"

"Hmm…" Phoebe said, "Maybe she just doesn't wanna come out."

"Rach?" Ross called through the door, "If you're in there, please answer me!"

There was no answer.

"Well, we have to get in there anyway, even though if Rachel isn't in there, so we might as well do it now?" Monica suggested.

"Should we just knock the door down?" Chandler asked.

Monica nodded a little, barely noticeable.

"Ok," Chandler said, "Come on guys."

Joey, Chandler and Ross lined up and Joey counted to three. When they reached three they ran towards the door, and barged into it.

"God damn!" Joey cursed, "That door is hard! It's like it's made of wood!"

"Well, you say that about doors, Joe" Chandler replied.

Joey was about to give him an answer again, when Ross interrupted; "Okay guys, we do not have time for this!"

Chandler and Joey nodded, and they all barged into the door again.

This time, it broke, and Ross fell into the bathroom.

He looked around, and his eyes imadiatly fell on Rachel who was lying at the floor. He reached to her side and tried to wake her.

Monica's head came through the hole in the door, "What's up, Ross? Is there…" her voice trailed off when she saw Rachel; "Dammit Geller, let us in!"

Ross hurried up and locked the door open. The four friends came rushing inside.

Monica slapped Rachel's cheeks, "Rach? Rachel sweetie, wake up? Please, Rach…?"

"She's not waking," Chandler said, "Why is she sleeping like this?"

Phoebe looked around, her eyes grew wide with what she saw, "You're not gonna like this.."

"What?" Joey asked.

Phoebe picked up an empty bottle of sleeping pills.

"Is that sleeping pills?" Monica asked.

Phoebe nodded, "It's empty. Do you know how many there was in here?"

"Fuck that!" Monica shouted, "Someone call an ambulance instead!"

Joey rushed to the phone and called 911.

"Rachel tried to kill herself?" Ross couldn't believe it.

"Apparently." Phoebe just said.

Monica kneeled down next to Rachel with tears in her eyes, "Rachel honey. You have to wake up, please? What will I do without you, you cant be dead. You have a whole life in front of you, please. You're my best friend..."

They sat around her for a while, then a doctor came rushing in to check on Rachel. He took her pulse and he didn't look happy.

"We're taking her to the hospital," he announced, "If we're lucky we might be able to wake her up, and if we do, she still needs to get all those pills out. Come visit her in a half an hour, then someone will know about her condition."

Monica nodded, "I'm her roommate, should I do some forms or anything?"

"You can wait with the 'till later, right now, we have a life to safe."

Two strong guys came through the door and lifted Rachel up. They carried her down to the street, and the five other friends just stood there, looking after them.

Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Chandler went home to get some rest before they would go to the hospital. Monica decided to go clean up Rachel's room, so it would be nice if she came home.

_Not if, Monica! _she thought, _Rachel is coming home, she's gonna make it!_

Monica cleared all her make-up away and was about to make her bed, when she found five letters on the pillow. She swallowed a lump. Outside was Rachel's handwriting. There were one letter for each. Monica took her letter, it was the one on the top, almost like Rachel had known Monica would be the one the find them. She sat down on the bed, and opened it up. She was very scared of what it might say, and worried that she might cry.

_Dear Monica._

_I hope you didn't get a shock when I was lying there. I know I would have if it was you, but you're a bit stronger than me. I just wanted you to know that this had nothing to do with you, God I love you. And I'm gonna miss you._

_I can still remember the first day I met you. I was standing right next to my sisters, they were enjoying the swings. We only had two, so my mother had told me to let my sisters play on them, I was the oldest one after all. Then you came from across the street and said "Hi I'm Monica, do you wanna play on my swings?". I remember that we had fun all afternoon with each other. And from that point, we were best friends. I guess you can say that we have been ever since._

_I can't thank you enough for being so nice to me. Right after I ran away from Barry, I had nowhere to go, and you just made it all easier. Gave me a home, gave me food. Thank you for doing that. I remember the day that we fought over Jean Claud Van-Damme. We were stupid, weren't we? Also that book we read with Phoebe, "Be your own wind keeper", we were really excited about that one, huh?_

_That's one of the things I'm gonna miss when I'm not around anymore, all the stuff we used to do together. You sure were a friend._

_Keep an eye on that secret boyfriend of yours, you don't know if he turns out to hurt you._

_Love always, Rachel._

Monica let the tears slip. She had been planning this, but she didn't write why. Maybe it was in one of the other letters? She would give them to the guys when they came to the hospital. She looked at the letter in the front. Looked like Chandler was the next one to know.

--

Monica walked around and around in the waiting room, a hand with on her purse. She had to give Chandler his letter, it was about time. The doctors still fought for Rachel. Monica hated to know that they were only doing it for Rachel's family and friends, Rachel didn't want to live, she wouldn't have done this to herself if she didn't want to die. She sat down right next to Chandler.

"I found something after you guys left." she started, "Rachel wrote a suicide note for each of us. Here's yours…"

Chandler took the letter from Monica's hand, and opened it up.

_Dear Chandler._

_Maybe this is hard on you, maybe not. I don't know you as well as I should. But I remember the things we've done together. Like that date from your work you sat me up with, I really liked him. Or what about that time you were handcuffed in my boss' office? I'm gonna see Joanna again now, then I can tell her hi if you want. A shame she died, she was just about to create a job, specially made for me. I was really looking forward to it._

_I know you and the guys want a lot of answers of why I did this, but the truth is, I don't know for sure myself. I know it has something to do with the fact that I'm not happy. That will come down to the bottom line; Ross and Emily. It's not that I'm jealous of Emily, 'cause I had my chance with Ross, I know that, maybe it's because things turn out the way they do, sometimes I don't like the outcome._

_I'm really gonna miss your stupid jokes. Laughing of something I don't even get. But promise me something; if you someday wanna pray to God, send a hi to me, or a joke.. I love you, Chandler. I always will. You sure are the best guy on earth._

_Take good care of the guys, while Monica is down, you have to hold the group together._

_With love, from Rachel._

"Wow," Chandler said, "That was pretty intense."

"Mine was too." Monica send him a sad smile, "But it looks like I'm gonna go to Joey with his."

"Okay… see you later."

Monica walked around for a bit again. She hated hospitals. She was looking for Joey, but he was in the bathroom, throwing up. This was hard on them all. When he finally came out, he was pale and looked like he was about to throw up again any time soon. He sat down, and Monica slowly walked to him, and sat down next to him in one of the white plastic chairs, "Joe?" she said.

He turned his head and looked at her.

"Rachel left this for you."

She handed him the note. She was already crying.

_Dear Joey._

_Wow, I'm really gonna die. It feels weird, I can tell you. I just sit here, knowing that when you read this letter, I'm already gone. This feels kinda nice. Maybe I sound crazy, but the thought of death, doesn't scare me. I just know it's gonna be a realief. I'm finally getting peace, that's what I'm looking forward to._

_I love you, Joe. So, so much. You have no idea._

_You; with your sweet little smile, your dump questions. I'm gonna miss you._

_Promise me you wont break too many hearts, you womannizer, okay?_

_'Cause I know what it's like to walk around with a broken heart. Sometimes they heel, and in other cases, like mine, they don't. People get really hurt in love, Joey. Maybe you'll experience that yourself someday, if you should ever be so lucky to fall for someone. If you do Joe, fall all the way._

_I'm gonna miss you._

_Bye, your best friend, Rachel._

Joey looked at Monica with tears in his eyes. There was no need for words. They both knew that Rachel was happy now. Wherever she was. It hurt them, but they had to think about the fact that she was happy now. It was hard, but they had to.

Phoebe sat down next to them, "What's that?"

Monica followed her gaze and looked at the two letters left in her hand, "It's for you." she handed her the note, "It's from Rachel."

Phoebe took the note. She already knew what it was. Monica could recognize a scared look in her eyes, and knew that she must be taking this the hardest. After all, suicide was something Phoebe knew about.

Phoebe opened her letter up. Her hands were shaking.

_Dear Phoebe._

_You were such a good friend. You make the best decisions, you know that? I should have listened to you at Ross' wedding, right? If I hadn't flied over__ there, Ross wouldn't had said my name, and we could all still be friends. But on the other hand; then I should have watched Ross and Emily together forever, that would had killed me in another way than I'm death now. And I think this is better._

_Now I'm not around to mess up with them. Just promise me one thing? Can you in some way make my memory wonder into the group's children? 'Specially yours? I would have loved to be aunt Rachel, now I'm never gonna be._

_I love you, Phoebs._

_No-one has ever been to me like you have._

_I can't wait to see you again, maybe I'll come back as a cat, just like your mother?_

_Ross was an asshole that day, right?_

_Love, Rachel._

"I remember that day," Phoebe smiled, having a flashback, "Ross was an asshole."

"I was a what?" Ross interrupted.

"Nothing." Monica said, "Rachel left a letter to each of us."

"You mean suicide note?" Ross said.

Monica nodded and handed him his note. Ross took it, looking hurt, and walked away from the other four. He wanted to read it in private. His heart was beating faster by each second, but he didn't mind. This was the last thing Rachel had done when she was alive. He had to read it.

_Dear Ross._

_Of all endings I've imagined that my life should have, I had never imagined this._

_Things just don't turn out the way you thought it would, huh?_

_I'm gonna miss you._

_You know I love you, I don't have to tell you that._

_The one thing I wished I could have known before I died, was if you still loved me too, but that isn't important now._

_You just… You just don't know what it feels like to be second choice for the man you love._

_You told me, you would rather save your marriage to Emily, then have me as a friend. You have no idea how that hurt - it still does. Of course not now when you're reading this, but while I'm writing it. It still does. It still hurts._

_This is it, Ross. The end of a long and painful relationship._

_You're the only man I've ever loved. You should know that._

_But now I guess that Emily got what she wanted, I'm out of your life. She now have all that I've ever wanted._

_You._

_You're the only guy I've ever considered spending the rest of my life with._

_I'm gonna think of you everyday wherever I am._

_I hope that Emily gives you the permission to think of me sometimes too; 'cause maybe it'll be easier for me not to haunt her then._

_Love you forever; Rachel._

Ross let the tears fall. She had killed herself because of him. He was the reason. He collapsed on the floor and felt Monica's hands trying to pull him up again. His legs wouldn't respond.

"She did it because of me." he sobbed.

Nobody needed to ask what he meant, they all knew it.

Five minutes later, the doctor came out. They had done everything they could.

Rachel was gone.

She was dead.

Away.

Forever.

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_Okay, so this is like the 5th time I read this story through for mistakes, and every time I find new ones. This was my first story, and I can proudly say, that my stories have gotten a lot better since then. As has my spelling and my gramma. And thanks for reading this ;p - Stessa. _


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